My wife Heather and I will never forget the day that changed our lives. It was November 21, 2005; the day she was diagnosed with malignant pleural mesothelioma, and the day I was given a job for which I was not in the least prepared — a caregiver to a cancer patient. Almost four months before this day, we were blessed with our daughter and only child, Lily. We were in complete bliss, and in the middle of planning for the holiday season, and the first Christmas with our newborn. Suddenly our joy seemed to be ripped from under our feet, and life as we knew it fell apart.
On the day we found out about Heather’s cancer, I found myself in the role of a caregiver before we even left the doctor’s office. Although our doctor gave us some information about mesothelioma, he told us we needed to see a specialist to see what our options for treatment were. As the doctor was speaking to us and giving us our options, I looked at Heather to see what she wanted to do. The doctor had made three recommendations. The first was the local university hospital; the second was a regional hospital with an excellent reputation, but it did not have a mesothelioma specialist; and the third was Dr. David Sugarbaker in Boston, who was specialized in mesothelioma. As I was looking at her face, it filled with shock and disbelief. Although she did not utter the words, her face said “Oh God, please help me!” and I made the first of many decisions I would help my wife make over the long months of treatment. We were on our way to Boston.
Until that day, Heather and I had been working full time, but from that moment she could not work anymore, and I started working part time. Over the next two months, our life was complete turmoil. I was torn between work, taking care of Heather and going to all her medical appointments, making travel arrangements, taking care of the home and trying to give our baby daughter some sort of normal life. At times I was overwhelmed, and I found myself on my kitchen floor flooded in tears imagining my greatest fears of losing Heather, ending up homeless and bankrupt from fighting for her survival and left alone to bring up our baby daughter. I just could not cope with how quickly our life changed and wished it all away. The thought that I could not let Heather see me like this is what pulled me out of those moments; for her sake, I had to be strong. The fact that there was so much for me to tend to forced me to focus on the positive things and take the steps I needed to ensure her recovery.
Family, friends and complete strangers came forward with help. We were blessed with comforting words and financial assistance for which we will always be thankful. One of the many things I learned from this experience is to accept help, no matter how big or small. Every bit counts, and the fact that others are helping reduces your stress and makes you feel you are not alone.
There is something I would like to share with anyone who finds themselves in the position of being a caregiver. There is no getting around the fact that being a caregiver for someone with such a serious illness is traumatic and difficult at the best of times. You are constantly worrying and stressed, and the constant uncertainty as to what will happen next is exhausting. However, it is important not to let yourself become consumed by fear, sadness or anger. It is your life after all; you cannot just walk away from it as you can from work or school. This does not mean you cannot have bad days. We are only human and these emotions are natural, but never give up hope. Remember that another person’s life is depending on you. Do what it takes to stay sane, and use any resource available to you to get through what will probably be the most challenging time you will have.
It was several years before the chaos in our life began to settle down and we were able to return to a certain degree of normal life. Despite all odds, after going through mesothelioma chemotherapy, radiation and surgery to fight her cancer, Heather recovered. She is still cancer free today, and it has been seven years since she was diagnosed.
The time I spent as a caregiver to Heather was an immense learning experience for me. I learned small but important lessons such as managing time, and big lessons such as dealing with stress, both of which allowed me to go back to college and finish my degree a few years later. Through my experience I saw that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. I learned that hope was the greatest weapon, and that as a long as you had that, there was no challenge that would be too big. You could get through anything. As a caregiver, never stop fighting for your loved one. You will be surprised with the strength you have to get yourself through the most difficult of challenges.
Guest Blogger:
Cameron Von St. James,
with daughter Lily Rose
and wife Heather.
Heather’s Blog
Irene Zola
